I Don't Write Happy Poems

Love me Love me not

Love like broken dishes

Tossed against the wall in passion

Hate like creeping

Hands against the back of my neck

You like a snake oil salesman

Offering a cure for all that ails me

Me like a hurricane

There is always a clam before the storm

My mind is catch all for everything I fear

Do better, stand up straighter, and reach higher so the fall will kill you

Be a lady, be graceful cause it’s easier to cry for you when you’re  beautiful

He’s a gentleman caller with big fists and empty pockets and girl he’s gonna knock you down

You will never be ready for it

He is a needle in your arm you’re gonna love him when your high but he will tear your life apart

You’re gonna cry when you wake up and realize all of this

And in your weakest moment

A shadow standing in the background moves closer and for once in your life you see clearly and you know this is love.

In the end you will find what you need , but it will kill you anyways.

 

Updates/Journaling/Stuff I Love

Updates:  Adrian has rejoined the ranks of the employed, I passed my phlebotomy class, got that callback about the job I have been anxiously awaiting , and while they are still weeding through the candidates They are going to give me a background check and then we will go from there also I have stepped down from my throne as queen procrastinator and set and appointment to take my drivers license exam! It has been a good week :_) so I decided I am going to make a list of stuff I love

1.      Singing along with songs while I am driving. My jeep becomes a rock concert venue every time I get in it (note to self don’t do that while taking driving exam)

2.      The way Tim Gunn talks or moves or does just about anything (MAKE IT WORK)

3.      Having a huge breakfast! (I do not do this very often, but my grandpa used to make waffles, bacon, hash browns, eggs, and toast every Saturday morning Saturday breakfast was and still are  the only reason to get up early on a Saturday!

4.      Putting my feet in running water. As long as the water source is relatively clean I am going to want to put my feet in it this I probably one of the weirder things that I love.

5.      Napping with my dog

6.      A good book and a glass of red wine !

7.      Payday! That day of the week where all things seem possible

8.      Big chocolate cake and a glass of milk

9.      Dancing like a fool!

10.  Hot cups of tea

11.  Watching old movies from my childhood (THEY ARE OLD TO ME DAMN IT LOL)

12.  Kitsch bitches!

13.  Date night with my husband! There are not a lot of these but I love them when I get them

14.  Fruit flavored popsicles when it is hot out!

15.  Sitting with my grandpa in his garden and complaining about the world

16.  LEMONS!

17.  PIGS!

18.  The way this post started out as long throughout sentences and has become me just typing one-word responses in all caps.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Fuck you Clip form the Fundraiser episode of The Boondocks

The Boondocks (Fuck You) <Follow this link !

Top 5 Songs This Week (Reflecting my Mood)

Green Day – Waiting

Dax Riggs – Waiting Around to Die

Florence And The Machine – Falling

Incubus – Drive

AWOLNATION – Sail

like always all songs can be found on Spotify check em put leave a comment whats your mood? What songs are reflecting that right now ?  Peace

Journalish Refections/boring shit

      Mood-frustration

    so the money situation seem worse each day  the change has been counted and spent and with the recent "Holiday" (Presidents day)  cash flow has been delayed :-(  boo-hoo well such is life had an interview for a job I really really want and am subsequently waiting for a call back (i hope i hope) Adrian followed up on a lead and put in an application so waiting on news from that had a call for another position but they are still in the reviewing process and wont be calling for interviews for at least a few more weeks so life has turned into a waiting game. trying to stay busy at this point still have not had an opportunity to celebrate Valentines day properly with the husband ..... last week for phlebotomy class is on  Sunday yay just need one arm draw and one hand draw then i will be certified.
I am realizing how boring my life has been recently. I am bored reading this. I gotta write something so this is my sad and meager attempt. I have been reading Stephen Kings latest book and am really enjoying it, even though i have never had a big interest in the JFK assassination. The book which conicals a teacher that goes back in time to stop the assassination has been surprisingly intriguing and offering a bit of a history lesson (the fact in the fiction) I forgot for a moment how much i simply enjoy the way in which Stephen King writes and how his method of story telling and ideas draw me in i judged a book by its title and have been pleasantly surprised.  well i guess its back to the waiting game

    

Why Christians and The Church Killed Chiristianity for Me

     First off, anyone who knows me knows I have been a part of just about every "religion" out there. However, right around 2005 I settled into the embrace of non-denominational Christianity. I attended church regularly and was a leader of a youth group for high school aged kids. I was happy about this choice to accept god and I felt as if I saw things in a clearer light. I met a lot of wonderful people 2 of which I still consider to be the most honest, caring, loving, selfless people who would do anything for anybody and treated me like a family member and gave me acceptance even after they knew things about me that would strike fear in the heart of the average person. After all that I had done and all that I had been I was like the poster child for how God can change a person and through these people I saw god I was very happy and content in my small church. I read my bible I prayed, I struggled to be better, and I was getting there. I was saved and baptized I loved every moment of it.
      Somewhere somehow something changed and I realized my 2 friends, mentors were the exception to what a Christian is and not the rule. I began to see the judgment and contradictions in the church and in most of the people. I saw hate for others not the love I believed Christianity to be about. I saw many people Sunday after Sunday put on their church clothes and their church faces and their church attitudes and I saw them fail to love one another when the church was not watching I saw church doctrine picked and chosen to meet the needs of the church. I saw political values pushed like a commandment while other relevant laws were pushed aside. excuses were made as to why we no longer do this or why this is no longer relevant and my own conflict with having gay, liberal, atheist, agnostic, friends and family who were considered sinners because of these thing and didn't do this or that and when I was questioned I was told to love the sinner hate the sin and for a moment I did even when the sin in question was love.
        I watched everyone more closely and I saw more hate then I did love and I became weary I questioned and I prayed and in the end I was done with the picking a choosing of laws and the human justifications and when it came down to it all I could say for certain that I was not certain of anything anymore and this is why I stopped being a part of any organized religion I keep my beliefs to myself I love and I "sin" and I try to do good to others and I struggle
        To sum all this up the people (aside from the few I mentioned earlier who I truly believe to be a shining example of love and god and acceptance) showed me almost nothing of god and everything thing of deception by putting on a good face when the world is watching and being worse than those they judged behind closed doors. I believe god is love and I believe that humanity and all the bad things that go along with being human are ok what I don’t believe is not being honesty about your faults or vices or judgments and that pretending to be holy or perfect when you are just as bad if not worse than those you condemn.

Sorry again for the rambling or thoughts and lack of punctuation and grammar and bad spelling

Please comment any questions, thoughts, or opinions are appreciated

 

This Weeks Top 5 Songs (for being alone in the dark and feeling melancholic)

1.  Bullet with Butterfly Wings- The Smashing Pumpkins The Smashing Pumpkins – Bullet With Butterfly Wings

2. Hurt- Nine Inch Nails Nine Inch Nails – Hurt

3. Remain Nameless- Florence and The Machine Florence + The Machine – Remain Nameless

4.Boadicea- Enya  Enya – Boadicea - Remastered 2009

5. The Skeletal Circus- Agents of Oblivions   Agents of Oblivion – The Skeletal Circus

Once again follow the links to spotify and let me know what you listen to when your in a mood