Journaling bad day

Yesterday was a particular rough day for me. I had a kind of slap in the face concerning finances and a few other things. Let me give you a bit of a background before I go into yesterday. In April, my husband lost his job. I had been working just a few months at a new job and was making semi decent money. I was not too concerned, as my husband has never had a problem finding or keeping a job. I thought that things would work out, and they did for a while. My income was keeping us above water and after a 2month, long battle with his former employer unemployment was finally approved. In august I decided to go back to school. Working around the school schedule was tough. I was doing ok. At the beginning of November, I lost my voice and missed work because of it. I was subsequently fired. A long battle with my former employer ensued and I was approved for unemployment. My husband and I swallowed our pride and applied for food assistance the process was like pulling teeth and after 3 months or so of waiting and praying, we were approved for sixteen dollars a month. The stress and worry triggered my insomnia and my schoolwork began to suffer. Long sad story short I failed out of college, lost my financial aid for the second time and I became very depressed which I am still dealing with. Almost a year later I started taking a phlebotomy classes, Adrian got a job, and I have been working hard at finding a job and have had some good leads. After all this bullshit, this started to turn around. Then yesterday  which was the day I had scheduled my driving test I had expected Adrian’s last unemployment check to come through and after 3days of living off of Ramen I was ready to get some grocery’s and no have to worry for a few days especially after I realized I would need  money for my license. Well no such luck, I woke up to no money, no food in the house, no nothing. I spent the morning crying Adrian’s dad gave him a gas card for work and we were so grateful for that. Then the dilemma of we had no food in the house I did something I have never done as an adult living on my own. I went to a food bank and thank god for them. We had enough to eat for a few days and I managed to count change enough for a pack of cigarettes. Adrian’s mom loaned us 30 dollars and filled up his gas tank and once again, I was grateful. Having to have a realization of not having things and no being able to support yourself hit me hard I grew up like that going with my mother to stand in the food stamp line going to church food banks and I just wanted to be over all that I wanted to be better and do better and I just got really upset at the whole situation I have to say that 2012 was a hard and sad year for us and I am glad 2013 is looking up for us 

Sorry again for the venting but I needed to get this off my chest

ps. I think my grammar and puctuation is getting a bit better what do you think?

 

*look for this weeks top 5 songs to clean the house to comming soon*

I Don't Write Happy Poems

Love me Love me not

Love like broken dishes

Tossed against the wall in passion

Hate like creeping

Hands against the back of my neck

You like a snake oil salesman

Offering a cure for all that ails me

Me like a hurricane

There is always a clam before the storm

My mind is catch all for everything I fear

Do better, stand up straighter, and reach higher so the fall will kill you

Be a lady, be graceful cause it’s easier to cry for you when you’re  beautiful

He’s a gentleman caller with big fists and empty pockets and girl he’s gonna knock you down

You will never be ready for it

He is a needle in your arm you’re gonna love him when your high but he will tear your life apart

You’re gonna cry when you wake up and realize all of this

And in your weakest moment

A shadow standing in the background moves closer and for once in your life you see clearly and you know this is love.

In the end you will find what you need , but it will kill you anyways.

 

Updates/Journaling/Stuff I Love

Updates:  Adrian has rejoined the ranks of the employed, I passed my phlebotomy class, got that callback about the job I have been anxiously awaiting , and while they are still weeding through the candidates They are going to give me a background check and then we will go from there also I have stepped down from my throne as queen procrastinator and set and appointment to take my drivers license exam! It has been a good week :_) so I decided I am going to make a list of stuff I love

1.      Singing along with songs while I am driving. My jeep becomes a rock concert venue every time I get in it (note to self don’t do that while taking driving exam)

2.      The way Tim Gunn talks or moves or does just about anything (MAKE IT WORK)

3.      Having a huge breakfast! (I do not do this very often, but my grandpa used to make waffles, bacon, hash browns, eggs, and toast every Saturday morning Saturday breakfast was and still are  the only reason to get up early on a Saturday!

4.      Putting my feet in running water. As long as the water source is relatively clean I am going to want to put my feet in it this I probably one of the weirder things that I love.

5.      Napping with my dog

6.      A good book and a glass of red wine !

7.      Payday! That day of the week where all things seem possible

8.      Big chocolate cake and a glass of milk

9.      Dancing like a fool!

10.  Hot cups of tea

11.  Watching old movies from my childhood (THEY ARE OLD TO ME DAMN IT LOL)

12.  Kitsch bitches!

13.  Date night with my husband! There are not a lot of these but I love them when I get them

14.  Fruit flavored popsicles when it is hot out!

15.  Sitting with my grandpa in his garden and complaining about the world

16.  LEMONS!

17.  PIGS!

18.  The way this post started out as long throughout sentences and has become me just typing one-word responses in all caps.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Fuck you Clip form the Fundraiser episode of The Boondocks

The Boondocks (Fuck You) <Follow this link !

Top 5 Songs This Week (Reflecting my Mood)

Green Day – Waiting

Dax Riggs – Waiting Around to Die

Florence And The Machine – Falling

Incubus – Drive

AWOLNATION – Sail

like always all songs can be found on Spotify check em put leave a comment whats your mood? What songs are reflecting that right now ?  Peace

Journalish Refections/boring shit

      Mood-frustration

    so the money situation seem worse each day  the change has been counted and spent and with the recent "Holiday" (Presidents day)  cash flow has been delayed :-(  boo-hoo well such is life had an interview for a job I really really want and am subsequently waiting for a call back (i hope i hope) Adrian followed up on a lead and put in an application so waiting on news from that had a call for another position but they are still in the reviewing process and wont be calling for interviews for at least a few more weeks so life has turned into a waiting game. trying to stay busy at this point still have not had an opportunity to celebrate Valentines day properly with the husband ..... last week for phlebotomy class is on  Sunday yay just need one arm draw and one hand draw then i will be certified.
I am realizing how boring my life has been recently. I am bored reading this. I gotta write something so this is my sad and meager attempt. I have been reading Stephen Kings latest book and am really enjoying it, even though i have never had a big interest in the JFK assassination. The book which conicals a teacher that goes back in time to stop the assassination has been surprisingly intriguing and offering a bit of a history lesson (the fact in the fiction) I forgot for a moment how much i simply enjoy the way in which Stephen King writes and how his method of story telling and ideas draw me in i judged a book by its title and have been pleasantly surprised.  well i guess its back to the waiting game

    

Why Christians and The Church Killed Chiristianity for Me

     First off, anyone who knows me knows I have been a part of just about every "religion" out there. However, right around 2005 I settled into the embrace of non-denominational Christianity. I attended church regularly and was a leader of a youth group for high school aged kids. I was happy about this choice to accept god and I felt as if I saw things in a clearer light. I met a lot of wonderful people 2 of which I still consider to be the most honest, caring, loving, selfless people who would do anything for anybody and treated me like a family member and gave me acceptance even after they knew things about me that would strike fear in the heart of the average person. After all that I had done and all that I had been I was like the poster child for how God can change a person and through these people I saw god I was very happy and content in my small church. I read my bible I prayed, I struggled to be better, and I was getting there. I was saved and baptized I loved every moment of it.
      Somewhere somehow something changed and I realized my 2 friends, mentors were the exception to what a Christian is and not the rule. I began to see the judgment and contradictions in the church and in most of the people. I saw hate for others not the love I believed Christianity to be about. I saw many people Sunday after Sunday put on their church clothes and their church faces and their church attitudes and I saw them fail to love one another when the church was not watching I saw church doctrine picked and chosen to meet the needs of the church. I saw political values pushed like a commandment while other relevant laws were pushed aside. excuses were made as to why we no longer do this or why this is no longer relevant and my own conflict with having gay, liberal, atheist, agnostic, friends and family who were considered sinners because of these thing and didn't do this or that and when I was questioned I was told to love the sinner hate the sin and for a moment I did even when the sin in question was love.
        I watched everyone more closely and I saw more hate then I did love and I became weary I questioned and I prayed and in the end I was done with the picking a choosing of laws and the human justifications and when it came down to it all I could say for certain that I was not certain of anything anymore and this is why I stopped being a part of any organized religion I keep my beliefs to myself I love and I "sin" and I try to do good to others and I struggle
        To sum all this up the people (aside from the few I mentioned earlier who I truly believe to be a shining example of love and god and acceptance) showed me almost nothing of god and everything thing of deception by putting on a good face when the world is watching and being worse than those they judged behind closed doors. I believe god is love and I believe that humanity and all the bad things that go along with being human are ok what I don’t believe is not being honesty about your faults or vices or judgments and that pretending to be holy or perfect when you are just as bad if not worse than those you condemn.

Sorry again for the rambling or thoughts and lack of punctuation and grammar and bad spelling

Please comment any questions, thoughts, or opinions are appreciated

 

This Weeks Top 5 Songs (for being alone in the dark and feeling melancholic)

1.  Bullet with Butterfly Wings- The Smashing Pumpkins The Smashing Pumpkins – Bullet With Butterfly Wings

2. Hurt- Nine Inch Nails Nine Inch Nails – Hurt

3. Remain Nameless- Florence and The Machine Florence + The Machine – Remain Nameless

4.Boadicea- Enya  Enya – Boadicea - Remastered 2009

5. The Skeletal Circus- Agents of Oblivions   Agents of Oblivion – The Skeletal Circus

Once again follow the links to spotify and let me know what you listen to when your in a mood

Updating My resume when all of a sudden.......

This Weeks Top 5 Songs (to Dance to)

1. I fink u finky-DieAntwoord  Die Antwoord – I Fink U Freeky

2. Thriftshop feat.Wanz -macklemore and ryan lewis  Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

3. Werk me - hypercrush Hyper Crush – Werk Me

4. 212- azealia banks ,lazy jay  Azealia Banks – 212

5. Fuck the pain away -peaches  Peaches – Fuck The Pain Away

Follow the links to Spotify and Enjoy

any awesome music out there you think makes the cut, or a top five you would like to see ? leave a comment and let me know!

How Not to Start a Revolution

It seems as if  the majority of Americans and quite possibly the majority of the world are discontent with the current situation of the county there are a lot of people that i have personally seen expressing anger, confusion,distaste and so on about the government,taxes,gun control,health care,etc you name everyone has an opinon and often believe they have the solution. My complaint is that while i appreciate any Opinion that is well stated and based in fact there are an abundance of people that have something to say about changing the country but that's where the motivation ends. not to say that there are not organizations or individual people out there who are in fact leaving the comfort  of their own homes and Internet platforms they are the exception rather than the rule. one group in particular comes to my mind and this is the non group/group Anonymous. they have gotten a lot of media attention at least in my state when they intervened in a Stubenville Ohio rape case. while there methods may be unconventional namely the use of hackitisum (which is still illegal ) I commend them for mostly being a group of change driven people who went in to the  world and dove in to the underbelly of the Internet to make change come about. I would like to suggest that anyone reading this check them out and take a look more in depth as to what they do and what they stand for en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anonymous_(group)   (yeah, yeah, yeah. wikipedia i know.)

My point is that if we get so worked up about the issues at hand yet fail to do anything to fix the issue then we are basically just pissing in the wind. so while i don't claim to have all the answers and I don't know the secret formula for getting people off their asses and active to make a change  I can tell you what isn't going to work.

1. Complacency
A lot of people get stuck in this mind set  of everything is fine, and even if the sate of the country is not directly effecting your life. you can rest assured that is things continue on how they  are going it soon will be and you can bet that is effecting some one you know right now
Remember ignorance may be bliss but there comes a point when ignorance is just ignorance.

2. Misinformation /lack of information
You Cannot base facts on opinions, facts are facts there are no substitute for cold hard facts and not knowing them or not knowing all of them will do nothing but hinder you in becoming an active and productive revolutionary

3. Arguing Politics,Religion or just about anything on the Internet
some old adages apply here once again your taking a piss in the wind  and you can't argue with stupid. you don't want to get stuck in this downward spiral of idiocy. Wining an argument on the Internet doesn't make you anything but another idiot arguing on the Internet. also ....don't feed the trolls you have better things to do with your time

4. Not staying updated
this could go along with misinformation but i feel it deserves its own place because once you find something you really want to change not staying up to date on the issue makes it very hard to support it or fight it  or do anything other than forget about it even if you spend a lot of time keeping up with the issue rather than fighting it actively something you feel strongly enough to keep with means that it is worth your time and your voice to go out there and say something and do something if you cant keep up with it or get tied of following the issue maybe its not something you really care about and you should focus your time and attention else where.

5. Not looking for local or global activist groups to be involved with
this is so important if you feel strongly about something you should seek out other like minded individuals i would warn to hold their beliefs and practices to the standards of your own moral code don't get involved with any groups that are undertaking practices that you are not comfortable with one person can be an activist but many activists joined together for a single purpose are a movement
and will help you make changes in the world also becoming involved in these groups will give you accountability its hard to do nothing with others are counting on you.

BONUS
6. FEAR
The worst reason for not getting involved it fear  if you sit back and do nothing and watch the country go down the drain things are going to get a lot more scary out there so i urge you to act now and not when its to late.

i hope this was helpful please comment any suggestions likes dislikes etc. oh and suggestions and helpful comments  on grammar and punctuation will be reviewed and noted but  rudeness will be deleted immediately

This Weeks Top 5 Songs(From Movies)

1. The Pixies -where is my mind? as heard in the movie Fight Club

2. Gary Jules/Michael Andrews- Mad World- as heard in the movie Donnie Darko

3. Kidney Thieves-Crazy- as heard in the movie The Bride of Chucky

4.Mohammed Rafi-Jaan Pechechaan Ho -as heard in the movie Ghost World

5.Dan Tyminski/Soggy Bottom Boys- Man of constant sorrow-  as heard in the movie Oh, Brother Where Art Thou?